What am I neglecting as I take the time to empty this brain of mine of a few of the words, thoughts, ideas which are constantly, incessantly swirling around? I'm neglecting my job. But not entirely, because I didn't stay home to write this. I am at my desk, still answering the phone, greeting people, appearing to be busy with actual work. The problem is my brain is congested. It's just so full of gunk right now I feel if I could just take a minute and squeeze a good bit of it out into cyberspace I'll be able to focus again. Of course, I could be wrong, but it's worth a try, right?
What's the matter Mee Jong?
Well, it's like this. I worked really, really hard to climb this incredibly tall mountain of emotion which grew out of some place I never even realized I had inside me. And I reached the top and took a deep breath and looked around and saw the world laid out before me in the most beautiful way. I was so proud of myself for making it and I thought I was at peace with the process and all I'd gone through to get there and I just wanted to stay and lay back in the grass and watch the clouds go by for a while. I just felt so good I went to edge of the mountaintop and I leaned forward and I shouted "I'm so happy!" and when I did so, I fell down the side of the mountain. All the way to the bottom.
Wow, that must've hurt.
It hurts like no pain I've ever known.
Well, what are you going to do now?
That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out. I keep hanging around the base of the mountain, wanting to try and climb again. Looking for some tiny path to begin my climb. But all the old trails have closed. There are warnings all over the place telling me to not to climb that mountain again. And then there's all the pain. The pain makes it difficult to even move. I look around and I see other mountains. But I loved climbing my mountain. All those months I spent getting to know every nook and cranny. Every storm I whethered, every predator I evaded, every moment I took to enjoy the climb, they all connect me to this mountain. I'm trying so hard to walk away from it but I swear my legs have never been so heavy in all my life.
It would seem like you need to move away from the mountain, get out of its shadow and feel the sunlight on your face again.
It has been rather cold here in the shade. When I find the strength to walk, I'll look for a sunny path and explore it.
You have the strength to walk. All the work you put into climbing that mountain, it made you stronger than you've ever been. And don't forget, you made it to the top. Perhaps you didn't get to enjoy the view for as long as you'd have liked, but that's beyond your control.
It's just that I miss my mountain. I don't want to walk away from it. And don't forget, I fell really far. I'm very broken right now.
Try to remember the mountain will appear smaller as you walk away from it. That's not to diminsh your journey, your climb, but it's to remind you of perspective.
Are you saying I'm allowing this to be bigger than it is?
All I'm saying is that by staying where you are, your perspective is never going to change. You are broken and unhappy, refusing to move forward will only cause more pain. Take a few steps away and then look back, perhaps you will begin to see things a little differently.
I don't know where to walk.
And...
I'm frightened.
You're not alone.
People love you.
Walk with them.
I will. Thank you.
Thank yourself.
I just did.
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