Friday, August 15, 2014

Samurai's Poetry

I came across Samurai's 3rd grade writing notebook. I thought I'd share some of her poetry:

My Brother Nexen
My brother Nexen
is very cute and loving
and nice and sweet.
My brother Nexen,
eating all day
chomp, chomp, chomp
I love seeing Nexen every day
after school
He smiles at me
and I smile at him
It's like a rainbow
He is the BEST brother ever

My Alarm Clock
In the morning
     my alarm clock
     goes like
It's trying to tell
me to get up
I don't want to snooze
for fifteen minutes
I hear it again and
it's even louder now it's
telling me get up you're
I say "Fine"
Can't wait to go to sleep

The Roller Coaster
The roller coaster
It's so fast  fast as a cheetah
upside down all around
I take my hands off the
bars of the roller coaster
my, my heart's beating
so fast I feel like
I'm going to fall.
I look back I see
so many rows It smells
gross I wish it smelled like a

Water Ice
Water ice
All you can eat.
Flavors and flavors.
Cherry, raspberry and
so much more.
I like the blue,
when I see the blue,
it reminds me of the sea.
I bite
the water ice...
crunch, crunch,
yum, yum
wait...Brain Freeze!!
Once I'm done,
I get another one!

The Heated Pool
I get my bathing suit
on I dip my toe in
Hot Hot Hot!
I got my goggles and dove in
I feel like I'm in an aquarium
I take my head out of
the water now it's cold
I start playing with my brother
He's trying to splash me
Ha ha ha
missed me.  I got
out I wish I can
go back in I'm freezing.

Flowers (A Haiku)
I sit on the ground,
while a flower is blooming.
It is so pretty!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Dear World,

I am imperfect.  And terribly, tragically human.  As such, I make terribly, tragically human messes.  But I am still learning, and I am still growing.  And I can finally see the beauty in all the mess.

Anyway, I started all this to ask you, World, to just accept me as I am.  To love me, just as I am.  For my entire life I believed I had to be different, to act different, to change just a little bit more to deserve love.  But finally, I realized (was taught), we ALL deserve love, even me, even in our imperfect states.  

So today, I make my proclamation of emancipation.  My declaration of interdependence.  All these years I worked to fix myself and blame myself for others not being able to see my good qualities.  Today, I'm done with all that.  I am a good person.  Yes, I have made many, many, many, many mistakes.  I still make mistakes, every day.  Some of them, I am embarrassed to say, I even repeat.  But my heart is beautiful, and that makes me beautiful.  Even in its fragile, broken state, my heart beats bright and true and loud and shines and sings through the darkest of days.

And I am not alone.  And I need you, my friends, my acquaintances, my future loves, to remind me from time to time.  I need to depend on you, in a way I have never allowed myself to do.  Just as I need to depend on myself, and open, and trust, and trust, and trust.

I will make this world a better place.  I will be a better person every day.  And I will remember, I am good enough now.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Inspired Family

So I went to a parenting conference at Temple yesterday, the Inspired Family conference.  

Here's the thing.  My family and I have been through a lot recently.  I mean, honestly, we always seem to have big things happening.  I guess anything you're going through seems big when you're not putting it in perspective, and we're always going through something.  But I digress...

My point is, I LOVE my family.  I think we are perfect in our imperfections.  We are a perfect fit.  I am learning and growing so much by having grown and birthed my littles and knowing and loving them and they are doing the same in learning and loving and giving and taking.  I keep devouring parenting books and taking classes and and going to therapy and conferences, trying to find exactly what it is that I'm doing wrong to make us imperfect and finally I realized that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with us.  

Yes, I have a list of personal issues longer than my arm but the biggest and worst issue on that list is self-judgment/self-criticism.  For a moment, tonight/today, I have let go of that and really taken a good look at myself and how far I've come and everything I'm juggling and I have to say...if I were anyone else but me, I'd be in awe of the person I see.  I'd respect her and love her and embrace her and be inspired by her.  So where's the disconnect?

The disconnect is where everything is lost.  It's where we all feel lost.  It's where I lose reception.  And I cannot give if I never receive.  So my lesson, my golden key to the "perfect" family that I've been seeking, is one that I've read about for days and weeks and months and years but failed to internalize because I couldn't FEEL it by reading books and taking classes and being all up in my brain about this parenting thing.  I couldn't feel it until that moment when I connected to my self, my true self, not the self I criticize and judge and scold and hurt, but the self that is brave and beautiful and smart and loved.  The self that knows she has always been and will always do everything she possibly can for her family.  

Perhaps I sound simple.  Ignorant.  Downright stupid.  But I forget, over and over and over again I forget.  I forget to love myself and trust myself and close that feedback loop of love.  I give and give and give to my children and then feel resentment that I'm getting nothing back but THEY are not responsible for the fact that I've disconnected from myself and tell myself that I'm failing to the point where they feel (and being to act) accordingly.  I looked everywhere else for the answer and I got great tips and techniques and ideas for better managing things and connecting with my children but if I stay/become/live disconnected with myself I'm being counterproductive.

So there it is.  Now I've got the answer.  Now I just have to keep asking the question so the answer stays present in my mind.  Am I connected?  Right now I am.  And I will practice staying here.  Although more likely, three months from now, I will blog about another moment of realization wherein which I say pretty much the same thing.  But that's okay.  It's a lesson worth learning over and over.