Sunday, March 23, 2014

Inspired Family

So I went to a parenting conference at Temple yesterday, the Inspired Family conference.  

Here's the thing.  My family and I have been through a lot recently.  I mean, honestly, we always seem to have big things happening.  I guess anything you're going through seems big when you're not putting it in perspective, and we're always going through something.  But I digress...

My point is, I LOVE my family.  I think we are perfect in our imperfections.  We are a perfect fit.  I am learning and growing so much by having grown and birthed my littles and knowing and loving them and they are doing the same in learning and loving and giving and taking.  I keep devouring parenting books and taking classes and and going to therapy and conferences, trying to find exactly what it is that I'm doing wrong to make us imperfect and finally I realized that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with us.  

Yes, I have a list of personal issues longer than my arm but the biggest and worst issue on that list is self-judgment/self-criticism.  For a moment, tonight/today, I have let go of that and really taken a good look at myself and how far I've come and everything I'm juggling and I have to say...if I were anyone else but me, I'd be in awe of the person I see.  I'd respect her and love her and embrace her and be inspired by her.  So where's the disconnect?

The disconnect is where everything is lost.  It's where we all feel lost.  It's where I lose reception.  And I cannot give if I never receive.  So my lesson, my golden key to the "perfect" family that I've been seeking, is one that I've read about for days and weeks and months and years but failed to internalize because I couldn't FEEL it by reading books and taking classes and being all up in my brain about this parenting thing.  I couldn't feel it until that moment when I connected to my self, my true self, not the self I criticize and judge and scold and hurt, but the self that is brave and beautiful and smart and loved.  The self that knows she has always been and will always do everything she possibly can for her family.  

Perhaps I sound simple.  Ignorant.  Downright stupid.  But I forget, over and over and over again I forget.  I forget to love myself and trust myself and close that feedback loop of love.  I give and give and give to my children and then feel resentment that I'm getting nothing back but THEY are not responsible for the fact that I've disconnected from myself and tell myself that I'm failing to the point where they feel (and being to act) accordingly.  I looked everywhere else for the answer and I got great tips and techniques and ideas for better managing things and connecting with my children but if I stay/become/live disconnected with myself I'm being counterproductive.

So there it is.  Now I've got the answer.  Now I just have to keep asking the question so the answer stays present in my mind.  Am I connected?  Right now I am.  And I will practice staying here.  Although more likely, three months from now, I will blog about another moment of realization wherein which I say pretty much the same thing.  But that's okay.  It's a lesson worth learning over and over. 


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

In Trust

Here we all are
Or were
With our hearts in your hands
Trusting
You would handle them
With wisdom
And love
With compassion
And kindness

How many of us
Have snatched them back
Before they were crushed
Completely
With thoughtlessness
And cruelty
With selfishness
And disregard

How many of us
Were left
With next to nothing
To rebuild
On our own
So we could trust again
So we could love again
So we could smile again


How many?

Monday, November 4, 2013

Sometimes

Sometimes
I feel overwhelmed
Unmotivated
Lazy (not in a relaxing way)
Angry
Anxious
Hopeless
When I look around my house
At all that I have
And all that I do not have
At all that is there
All that was left

But
Not this morning

This morning
I feel grateful
I have the energy to clean
Wash dishes
Fold (and put away) laundry
Clean-up after the children
Make lunches
Balance my budget
Complete work from home assignments
Clean-up after the pets
And the time to blog
Shower
Drink some tea
Read

Sometimes
It is just a state of mind
But mainly
It's a matter of time
And
Of course
Energy

I am just so thankful
For this morning
When I have all three

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Putting into words

the ramblings of my mind
at 2:20 a.m.
is not the easiest task
nor
is it particularly
the smartest

but
of all the stupid things
i've done
in my life
i'd say
this
is pretty low
on the list

so here we are again
blank page
having words

you give me so much
and I always question
what I have
to give back

i do love
a good blank page
it represents
everything wonderful
about life
pure potential
emptiness
completeness

blank pages
call to me
and I love to answer
in long
rambling
reflective (self-absorbed?)
groupings of letters
words
keystrokes
brush strokes
lines
curves
...
did I mention rambling?

i have a sleeping baby
by my side
he was not sleeping
when i was sleepy
now I am awake
and he is precious (aka, asleep)

i wonder
if some part of me
is actually asleep
right
now

i am happy
and in love
with my children
and my life
and my strength
which runs deeper
than I ever
could have imagined

not
to toot my own horn
or anything
but i've come
a really long way
a really
really
really
long way

granted
it's taken
my whole life
but
at least
i'm headed
in the right
direction

i should try and sleep now.
goodnight.