Wednesday, July 22, 2015


I wish
I could swallow my pain
Digest it
Excrete it
And be ready
For you
With an open heart
But the heart
Is not like
The digestive tract
And mine
Is so fucking broken

It hurts so much
To try and love you
Half the time
I feel
Like I'm dying

It's so unfair
I know
And really
All I wanted
Was to write
A love
For you

Something pretty
Something kind
But that
Is no longer
The reality
Of my mind

I was demolished
Broken down
Torn apart
Thoroughly smashed

And now...


To try again
To write things
Of which I've written
In the past
And choked upon
In the aftermath

I don't even know how to start
The words
"I love you"
Weigh a thousand pounds
I know I'm strong
But that kind of weight
Is a little ridiculous
Even for me
The queen of ridiculousness

Here upon this page
Soul desecrated
Reborn in rage
Burst into flames
Settled to ash
Now to love again
Is so much to ask

I tell you only this

Each day when I wake up
I think of you
And my whole body smiles

Can that be enough?
For now?

Thought of the Day

I don't need twelve steps
I need a giant leap

Friday, June 26, 2015

The Origin of Pain (Part II)

Nearly three weeks ago, on June 7th, I began to experience a level of physical pain I haven't experienced in a long time.  Because of the sudden onset and intensity, I went to see a physician on June 9th.  I was referred for diagnostic testing.  On June 11th, I suffered from new symptoms and called the doctor's office to report it on Friday.  That weekend was Samurai's ballet recital, so even though the doctor wanted me to come in on Saturday, it was not feasible.  While that symptom resolved by Monday, I woke-up with an additional new symptom.  I emailed the doctor's office about that.  They referred me for additional diagnostic testing.

I continued to work.  I continued to take care of my children.  And because I refuse to take pain medication, I continued to suffer.

Yesterday I was in so much pain, I thought I couldn't take it anymore.  I considered taking pain medication.  Instead, I took my now daily dose of magnesium (natural anti-inflammatory) and continued through my day.

People who love me and had to watch me suffer, or who knew about it and had to think about it, all begged me to take pain medication.  The thing is, I know that there's a message there, in all that pain. And if I dull the pain, I'll never get the message.

So here's the message I was finally able to hear.  

The less I move, the harder it is for me to move.  The more I let the pain slow me down, the more pain I experience.  The longer I dwell in a place of pain, the more the pain immobilizes me.

I realize I said the exact same thing three different ways.  But I came to the realization on three different levels.  

Physically, I stopped going to the gym.  Partly because I have a problem with moderation.  Okay, entirely because I have a problem with moderation.  Doing real damage was actually a possibility. But it also was an integral part of my daily routine.  So "taking it easy" amounted to my body and brain becoming sluggish.  Maybe even lazy.

Mentally, I was also stuck.  In trying to sort out problems I'm currently having and really need to sort out (even more than I realized at the time), the physical pain just screamed out, "I'm here! I'm here!" until I was too exhausted to try and sort out the problems and gave-up.

Emotionally, I am bleeding to death.  My heart is trying to open to someone new, but there is this gaping wound from three years ago that hasn't healed.  As a result, I am bleeding all over the place.  I didn't even fully realize, until the pain immobilized me.

So here I am, with this lesson I've learned from all this pain.  And yeah, everything still hurts, but I know that I'm on the path to healing now.  

I will still finish out my battery of tests.  But when they all come up negative and my pain remains a medical mystery, I will know the origin of my pain.  And what's even better, I know how to make it go away.

I just need to keep growing.


Friday, May 22, 2015

The Origin of Pain

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
The Earth
My body
As one

I ask not
For yesterday
Though answers
Lurk like stalkers
In those dark shadows
Of my unexamined past

I ask not
For tomorrow
As they already
Come too fast
Too fast

But today
I cry out
In exquisite pain
As my battered heart
Works to open again

I stand
In judgment
Before no one
Except myself
Anyone else
Would surely
Be easier on me

Except him
Who only
Sees lies
Because his brain
Twists truth
And beauty
With his poison mind
Into an amalgamation
Which can only
Be left

Rain, rain
Come again
Obscure the glare
Of the ancient sun
The Earth
My body
As one

Friday, May 8, 2015


I dream
Of finding
On the tops of mountains
At the bottom
Of the ocean
Through the air

I imagine
Are there
Waiting for me
In your arms

I know
Are not as important
As the questions
The person
Who's asking

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Oops: A Late Birthday Letter

Dear Nexen,

I'm a couple days late on this one.  I apologize, I've been a little distracted.  Someday you'll come to understand the fleeting nature of time.  The game of hide and seek we play with it our entire lives. Anyway, I've found a little for you, for your birthday letter.

You sleep, upstairs, my little bundle of three who still has to remember to put up the third finger when asked how old he is.  It's okay, I also like to think I'm a few fingers younger than I am from time to time.

This year, so much changed.  You, things around you, things in the world, but nothing inside you. Inside you still lives the beautiful, cherished, (fleeting) innocence of a baby.  Your eyes still shine with unbroken, unconditional love and your heart, your heart remains unquestioning, knowing its own value and the value of the connections it has made.  I am very proud of this, because these things are precious and easily lost.  Your mind, your mind is always questioning, growing, becoming stronger. As is your body.  Taller, stronger, faster, more agile.  I will miss the unsteady steps and jumps of two as they fade away in(to) the leaps and bounds of three.     

My birthday wish for you is that this year, your third year, is your best ever.  As our happiness remains intricately interlaced at this early age, I will do my best to pave the way.  A little secret? Great happiness is on the horizon for me, and therefore us, I just have to be open to it.  Unfortunately, my heart is not the same as yours and being open, well, that's not currently my strong suit.  I can't know the future and hope I'm learning from the past but sometimes the line between what is a lesson and what needs to be let go is very blurred.

Maybe I just need to follow your heart, because mine is still in pieces.

Sheesh, this took a depressing turn.

Okay, it's time to get you all up and ready for school.  

I love you birthday boy, two days removed.  I am excited to know you this third year, and I wish us all happiness.


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Things I can't say

There are things I can’t say
Or maybe
But I can make you feel it
Can’t I?

If I could bend time
Extract the pain from my heart
I’d meet you
With no reservations

And then
I could answer all your questions
Tell you all
You want to know

But my superpowers
Are too limited
Too relative
And my heart
My poor heart
Is still tender
To the touch

I can feel it
Getting stronger
And my mind
Getting weaker
And my body
My body’s a lost cause
At this point

I don’t know
Where the right place is
But I do know
We’re going the right way