Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Words

Once upon a time
Those words
There upon the page
Set my heart flying
My soul
Happy and free
Dancing through the skies
Thinking your words
Were truth
Relics
From a simpler age
Feeling
The luckiest girl
I savored those words
Wrapped them around me
And let them fuel
A fire
Too dangerous
For even me
(So used to fire)
To allow to burn

Once upon a time
Your words
Were beautiful
Honest representations
Of an immaculate heart
So overtaken
By your words
I blinded myself
To your actions
And the actual
State
Of your heart

When your actions
Overcame
Your ability
To talk yourself
Out of the consequences
Still
Your words
Reached and pulled
Then
Eventually
In desperation
They struck out
Sometimes
In retaliation
Sometimes
In recrimination
Until I could not bear
To read
A
Single
Word

The strength
Of one's words
Equals
The strength
Of one's beliefs
PLUS
The belief
Which others
Carry
In one

When you are given
A gift
Of one
Who believes
Unquestioningly
In every word
And carries
Each word
In her heart
Day after day
Even when those words
Become heavy with pain
And confusion
And loss

When you are given
Such a gift
And you
Rather than cherish it
And hold it to your heart
Question it
And throw it away
But not before
You thoroughly destroy it
Not only for your own purposes
But for the purposes of those after you
For the foreseeable future

Do not ever
EVER
Ask
For that gift back

It is insulting

Your words
Mean less than nothing now
I trust not so much as a single letter
As if "I" ever meant "I"
Surely it never did
And that's just the one letter
Much less all the others
Written in sequence
Written in rhyme

I listen
With an ecstatic heart
For the tree
To finally
Fall








Thursday, November 13, 2014

Dear Nexen,

A lot has changed this month. You seem to be adjusting well. I am not.

Tuesday, I yelled at you. You looked at me for a long moment, then your face bent, melted and you began to cry. The kind of crying that says, "I have no idea what just happened or where that came from." The kind of crying that says, "You hurt me Mama." I sighed. Deeply. I opened my arms and you snuggled in for a moment, and I whispered "I'm sorry", but then your sister opened her arms and you went to her and the two of you held each other until you both felt better.  I, on the other hand, did not get to feel better.

There is so much I need, which is not provided by my current life.  Enough money that my teeth unclench at night and my worries take a backseat to sleep.  Enough time that I don't feel every waking moment is a vortex which dumps me, unceremoniously, into my messy house at the end of the night with no energy to clean and no desire to fight the lack of energy.  Enough energy that instead of falling asleep when the sweet, deep breaths of sleeping children fill the air I can enjoy a few precious moments of silence, peace and yes, cleaning!  Enough peace that my emotional landscape changes from a fiery post apocalyptic nightmare to a beautiful, flowing river interrupted only by the sound of songbirds.

There is so much I have, which is not appreciated in my current state of mind.  Three amazingly beautiful children who have an incredible bond and truly enjoy each other...albeit sometimes the bond is hard to see for all the bickering and resentment passed around like a hot potato.  A job I enjoy which also serves our community and allows me the freedom and flexibility to enjoy being a mother too.  A place to live which is (literally) overflowing with generous gifts and donations from friends and family.  My (relative) physical health and that of my children.

I just, I get thrown off balance a lot.  It feels like every time I find my footing someone comes along and pushes me over, laughs in my face and says, "Ha, now try and stand back up."  Sometimes they even set-up swords and nails behind me so when I fall they know I will be so injured, I will not be able to get up without help.  And then they'll stand there with their hand out, calling me horrible names when I won't take their hand. But how can I grasp the hand of the person who set me up to fall?  How could I ever trust they wouldn't just let go and watch me fall...again?  Simply put, I can't.

Anyway.  I just want you to know that I love you.  Every moment I can't be with you, my heart is still filled with love for you.  Every moment I am physically with you, and my mind is a million miles away, my heart is still filled with love for you.  Every  moment I lose myself, I lose my connection to you and to the moment at hand, my heart. Is still. Filled. With Love.  For You.

And the more I write and get out what's in my head, the more I remember what's in my heart.  It's all that love I want to guide my life, none of that other stuff.  So when things are getting hard, I write about it.  Today I write to you.  Every day, EVERY. DAY. I love you.  And that's what I want to be bogged down with, not all of this other stuff.  And now, for this moment, I am.

Eternally,
Your loving Mama